I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
