there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i now understand why vodka
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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