So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
