i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
