I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
