if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
