Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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