The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
