ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
