Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
