the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
