and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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