so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Sext me about skeletons
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
