dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can you repeat that, but with context?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
