I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
