it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
