i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
