yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Randomize
