It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
