$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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