he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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