I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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