I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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