Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
