Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
