a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
