Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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