the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
