This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
