I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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