last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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