I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
