Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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