The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
