While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
