i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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