Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My liver just broke up with me...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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