i may or may not be watching the land before time
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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