More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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