I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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