wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
as a side note pls kill me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
