Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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