how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
