I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
