Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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