I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
