Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this boner is exhausting
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
