I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
