you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
