Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
