You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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