Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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