The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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