I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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