Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
