pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
